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This weekend was tough. After three weeks, the Simponi shot has apparently completely worn off. I woke up Saturday morning almost unable to even get out of bed and didn’t even consider going to my water aerobics class. My husband had to leave town early Sunday, so he was somewhat insistent that we do dinner and a movie on Saturday night. I hinted that he really needed the time to get packed and organized for this trip and that we could just stay home and watch old scary Halloween movies instead.

I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I tell him, or anyone else, that my RA makes me feel bad enough that I can’t do things. I hate saying no when my husband is trying to do something nice or fun for me. I guess that’s the next step in my multi-step program of accepting/dealing with this disease.

I keep telling myself that RA hasn’t changed who I am, that I’m still the vivacious, independent person I was.

It’s a lie. All I have to do is look in my closet for the truth.

For most of my adult life, I’ve worn 3″ high heels. My shoe racks were filled with all different colors and styles. High heels make your legs look longer and enhances your butt. It also makes you carry yourself in a posture that is both confident and compelling. (Don’t even get me started on toe cleavage!) I have a total of two pairs of 3″ high heels in my closet today — both holdovers from a previous time. I wear them only on various special occasions (much to the chagrin of my orthopedic surgeon and my rheumatologist) when I need to be dressed for the best and I know that I won’t be on my feet for very long.

I’ve written a couple of posts about the disease being visible or invisible. Well, my high heels were my signature. They were the “S” on my SuperWoman cape. I’ve been in more board rooms, airports, meeting rooms and nightclubs than I can count, all exuding the confidence that looking your best in 3″ high heels can bring.

I’m definitely still me, but swollen ankles and high heels don’t match. And I miss the person who used to be able to wear them.

Thanks for checking in.